LIFE!

twothousandandseventeen~the year that tried to kill me

As I was making “crack pretzels” for a special someone in my life, I kept catching myself reflecting on 2017 and trying to figure out how I got to where I am now. The easiest way I can think to put it was that 2017 was the year full of the good, the bad, the ugly, and when I didn’t think it could get any uglier…it did. Over the course of 365 days I learned some of the hardest lessons to date. I accomplished things I never thought possible.

I started out 2017 in a relationship with someone that used me as a crutch & made me question my own self-worth because they couldn’t beat their addiction. I laid awake for more nights than I would like to admit and questioned God on why he put me in this position. I mean, I had been surrounded by addiction for my entire life. Was that not enough? Why slap me with it when I thought I had escaped it? After I quit bitching at God, I began to tear into myself. Was I not good enough? Did he not love me enough to quit his addiction? Was this my fault? Did his family blame me? Did anyone see the damage that was going on behind our closed doors? I pushed away every single person of any importance in my life. I didn’t want anyone to see the situation I was in. If I didn’t let anyone around me then they wouldn’t ask to hang out. If they didn’t ask to hang out then I didn’t have to come up with some lie as to why I couldn’t hang out. If they didn’t ask to hangout then they wouldn’t see how run down I looked. They wouldn’t catch on to the fact he had no job. They wouldn’t catch on to the fact that I made sure he was fed & had cigarettes before I made sure that I had dinner for myself.

Not long into 2017 I escaped. At 21, I called my dad to tell him the police were on their way and I needed help. For the first time I broke down and let someone in….then I threw it in reverse. I wasn’t TOTALLY ready to admit I had failed. Less than a month later, the straw finally broke this camel’s back and I ran. I ran fast and I ran hard. I always held pride in the fact I moved out on my own at 18 & had stood on my own two feet ever since. All of a sudden at 21, I wasn’t independent anymore. I was living in my childhood bedroom with an apartment full of stuff & my dog. I was working two jobs & never sleeping. . I had never been so unhealthy mentally, spiritually, physically, or emotionally.

I was free. I was free from the personal hell I had put myself through for the past year. Why wasn’t I happy? Why did people still ask me all the time if I was okay? Little did I know, the personal fight had just begun. Remember as a kid, playing in the swimming pool, and you tried to use your body to keep the beach ball under the water? Then all of a sudden…. BAM! The beach ball came skyrocketing to the surface. My life was the beach ball and all of a sudden my beach ball came skyrocketing to the surface. Everything that I kept hidden for so long came to surface & I was embarrassed. Any bit of pride & confidence I had left was gone. It was horrible & I was PISSED. I began lashing out at everyone that tried to help. I didn’t want help & if I heard of either of my parents discussing what was going on? Madea came to the surface & it wasn’t pretty.

The “stable” and “responsible” girl I was known for was gone & I was out for blood. I was angry & I was even more angry at myself for being so angry. I viewed myself being so mad, as me letting him win, and that was the last thing I was about to let happen. I was working two jobs & partying if I wasn’t working. I was drinking too much & putting myself in situations that I knew were wrong.

I finally decided that a change of scenery was what I needed. My best friend was looking for a roommate & I was looking for a room. July rolled around & next thing I knew, Asher and I were residents of Faulkner County. People thought I was insane. I worked in Little Rock so why in the world was I moving to Conway?! I dunno! Still don’t really know why I thought it was a good idea, but I do know that it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I was on my own two feet again! I was very unsteady on my own two feet, but I was there! I lived in Conway for less than a week when I got a phone call from my dad. He was headed to the hospital with a collapsed lung. I told him that he didn’t have to go and deflate a lung in order to tell me that he missed me living with him. Two weeks of hell, one huge surgery, and he was finally released to go home. Silly old man!

I continued to work two jobs until late August when I tore a joint in my back from reaching out the drive-thru window at my second job. Seriously, God?! Why?! I have always been in good shape so how in the world did this happen?! I was at my first physical therapy appointment & she was going through my history & all that fun jazz. Then she said it… this wasn’t because of me constantly leaning out the drive thru window. Well, it was but that’s not the root cause. The root cause was stress. I had to quit my second job, go to physical therapy two-three times a week & once again, admit defeat. I wasn’t invincible.

My back slowly began to heal & I continued to succeed. I was becoming happy again! I was surrounding myself with positive people. I was on a roll! I was determined to finish 2017 out on a positive note.

On the Monday before Thanksgiving I developed a fever about 3 o’clock in the afternoon. The flu was running rampant, so I assumed I was probably getting the flu. I finally decided to go and pay an urgent care clinic a visit after work on Tuesday. They tested me for the flu & it came back negative. My temp was hovering right at 100 so he ran some more tests. Come to find out, I had a UTI turned kidney infection. The doctor was confused as to why I hadn’t felt any of the UTI symptoms but whatever! Gave me some antibiotics and said if my temp went over 101 then I needed to go straight to the ER..because that meant I was probably septic. SEPTIC?! The word septic hit a little too close to home because sepsis is what my best friend’s mom passed away from. I ate Tylenol like candy because for one, the hospital was the last place I wanted to be and for two, this was my first year to ever host Thanksgiving in my own home. I was determined! {My dad has always said I was too hard headed for my own good.} By God, I made it happen! I hosted Thanksgiving! After lunch I laid down for a nap & when I woke up, I had a fever of 101.6. Happy Thanksgiving, Emily! Off to the ER I went. By the time I got to Little Rock & picked my dad up, my temp was 102.2. They ran lots of tests & sure enough, I was septic. My heartrate was sky high, my blood pressure was sky high, my temp wasn’t budging and they were keeping me overnight. I stayed for two nights & they sent me home on November 25th. On November 26th, my temp shot up again & back to the ER I went. I can’t remember which doctor it was, but the doctor looked at me and said “If you had waited another 12 hours to come in, you probably wouldn’t still be alive to have this conversation.” Wow…here I am at 22 & being told that I was twelve hours short of dead.

After the many different doctor follow ups & conversations it was determined that I for one, had an insane pain tolerance & for two, stress almost killed me.

Life is tough.

Life in unexpected.

Life can be cruel.

Most importantly, life is short.

Two thousand and seventeen was the year the almost killed me. I overcame battles that I never thought were possible. I also lost some battles that hurt my self-esteem more than anything. I lost important people to me. Most were by choice, but I also lost the only grandparent I had left. I love you, Mimi & I miss you every day.  Out of everything though, I found myself in 2017. I developed relationships with people that I thank God for every single day. I rekindled relationships with people that I never thought was possible.

2017 was a year full of losing games, but I like to think that ultimately, I won the championship.

 

XOXO,

Em

 

PS-

Dear 2018, it isn’t a competition. Be easy on me?

2 thoughts on “twothousandandseventeen~the year that tried to kill me”

  1. Em, Thank you for sharing your 2017 year with us. Life is wild with all it ups & downs. I loved to tell you. All will be better. Yet I find life, it’s a roller coaster ride & at times we need to hold on. I tell myself ( Something Better Coming) & if i can not find anything better has come in. I look harder & say. Oh! that person on the Street just smile at me. Your Are A AMAZING Woman EM….. I thank you for going in to the Doctor. Thank God, your are still here with us. Love Connie XX OO

    Like

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