“I’m going to San Antonio this weekend!”
“Oh fun! What for?”
“Well the anniversary of the death of my ex boyfriend is the 9th, so I’m going to spend time with his mom”
*blank stares* “Oh…well okay”
I’m currently flying home from the amazing weekend with his mom & I’m reflecting on grief.
Regardless of who passed away, grief is a sticky situation. There is no rule book on how someone is supposed to handle it but damn everyone sure has an opinion.
Grieving the loss of an ex boyfriend is a whole different kind of sticky and “weird”. I loved that man more than I can explain.
People that knew intimate details of our relationship still don’t get it. Why would you be so sad over someone that created so much pain? Because he also created SO much joy. He did little things for me that were something out of a movie. I can’t begin to explain the love & passion that was in that relationship.
Ultimately, he had demons that he couldn’t quite conquer.
The sticky part about this loss is how little understanding and support there is. We were broken up when he passed away, but I don’t feel like that made it hurt me any less. I think the fact we weren’t together makes the “what if’s” sting a little worse. What if I hadn’t blocked his number? What if he tried to reach out before he made that ultimate decision?
I’ve heard it all. I understand it wasn’t my fault. I understand he was sick. I understand I did all I could. But still. What if?
He had a personality that could light up any room he walked into. He would give anyone the shirt off his back.
I looked at my therapist last week as I prepared for this trip and I said “grieving an ex is weird”. She asked why & I couldn’t even put it into words at the time.
It’s weird because no one gets it. No one checks on you. No one gives their condolences to the ex.
I’m so grateful that I had such a great relationship with his family. A family that understands the relationship wasn’t done when each of our relationship statuses changed to single on Facebook.
I’m sure this whole post doesn’t quite make sense but it’s some random thoughts on the last year. I understand grief doesn’t go away, but I hope I can be better at working through it during year two without him.
Justin Baldwin, you are amazing & I will always love you.